What Teenagers Are Saying About Hugging Their Parents
“As fathers, we serve as our sons’ introduction to masculinity. Too often we take that to mean that they don’t need the kind of physical affection we gave them when they were little,” writes Esau McCaulley in the guest essay “‘Adolescence’ and the Surprising Difficulty of Hugging a Teen Son.”
He explores the lack of physical affection between the fathers and sons in the TV show “Adolescence,” as well as the warm relationship he’s tried to build with his own teenage children. He argues that parents’ physical affection shows teens “that it is OK to be strong and weak, to love and be loved.”
We asked teenagers: Do you hug your parents? They told us about the role that physical affection plays in their families, and how it can be affected by gender. They also shared the other ways they express love and gave advice for parents who want to connect with their adolescent children.
Thank you to those who shared their thoughts on our writing prompts this week, including students from Julia R. Masterman Laboratory and Demonstration School in Philadelphia; Norwood High School in Norwood, Mass.; and Valley Stream North High School in Valley Stream, N.Y.
Please note: Student comments have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
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Some teenagers told us they’re very physically affectionate with their parents.
Despite not being raised in a particularly touchy-feely family, I turned out extremely clingy. By clingy, I mean hanging on my parents’ shoulders both at home and in public, curling up next to my dad on the couch even if he’s watching Fox News at a horrendous volume, and holding hands while going on walks. My father is much more receptive to this behavior than my mom is. My dad loves it, though I think it reminds him of when I was a kid. Sometimes when I’m hanging out with him, I jokingly ask, “Did you cuddle with your dad when you were a senior in high school?” and he just laughs and says no, and that he doesn’t know where I get it from.
I’m fortunate enough to live with two loving parents who support and care deeply about me. While I don’t hug them as often as I used to, I still feel comfortable doing so. We hug during moments of celebration or when we need comfort. I believe we’re wired to crave physical affection throughout our lives. The way we show it may change, but the need never really goes away. For me, a hug from my parents — my first source of love — is still deeply comforting.
Physical affection is not very important with everyone in my family, but it is especially important in my relationship with my mom. Me and her are very close, and she is like my best friend. Even though I tell her I love her all the time, I think hugs are a good way of showing my affection and appreciation beyond words.
Others said that wasn’t a way they expressed love in their families.
I personally do not like hugging my parents because I do not like physical touch in general. For the rest of my family, physical affection is important, but I would rather hug people on my terms instead of people randomly coming up and hugging me. I feel like this is reasonable because everyone has different love languages. While some people do not appreciate being touched, they might appreciate something else like quality time and gift-giving.
The last time I hugged my parents was at least a year ago, I had hugged my mom. The last time I had hugged my dad was years ago. My family isn’t that affectionate with each other, other than my siblings and me fooling around. It isn’t a significant way of feeling loved, cared for, or connected with my family. It doesn’t mean much to me, and I don’t pay much attention to it.
In my family, there isn’t much physical affection going around. This doesn’t mean we feel unloved, it’s just not the type of love language that floats around in my household. Between me and my dad, we usually resort to “giving dap” and less of hugs. I never saw it as “my dad doesn’t love or care about me,” but more of “this is how my dad shows his affection.” I think society has made it a norm for guys to be less physically affectionate towards other men, while not completely ruling it out. As time goes on, I feel like me and my parents will be just fine, because there’s no step-by-step guide on how to love. As long as you have your way of making others feel loved in a way where they understand it and are comfortable, then love is love.
— Tyler, CPHS, Fayetteville, NC
Several shared other forms of affection, besides hugging, that made them feel cared for.
Physical affection is important with my family, but it’s not the only way we feel connected to each other. We hug often, not constantly, but enough that it feels normal and comforting. I usually feel most loved when we spend time together, like watching movies, going on car rides, or just laughing and hanging out. Them showing up for me at events or even going out to eat as a family means a lot. I think affection in my family comes through in different ways but to me, it feels more important when it’s emotional, and just being there for each other, as that is what truly makes me feel cared for.
I think I’m affectionate with my parents enough since I was younger, when my mom would pick me up. I would run up to her and hug her, and when my dad came home, I would run to him and hug him, and before bed I would hug them and say I love you. I stopped hugging them as I got older, yet when I see my parents, even after just being away from them for five minutes, I’ll tell them I missed them, and before bed, I’ll say I love you … Although my family and I aren’t that affectionate by physical touch, rather just sitting with each other.
… I don’t really like physical affection with my parents that much. Instead I like strong interpersonal communication that brings us closer. I would feel comfortable to talk about anything and everything, leading to an overall stronger bond between us.
— Aidan
And some told us about the last time they hugged their parents — and what it meant to them.
The last time I hugged my parents was last Sunday after a family dinner. It was a spontaneous hug, I was hit by a particularly enjoyable evening filled with laughter and shared stories. The hug itself felt warm and comforting. It made me feel loved, appreciated, and deeply connected to my family. It was a simple gesture, but it reinforced the importance of those close relationships and left me feeling content and happy.
The last time I shared a warm hug with my parents was just last week, and it felt wonderful! We were greeting each other, and my mom expressed how much she missed me while at work, which made our hug even more special. It truly felt cozy and heartwarming because these moments are so rare for us to share.
— Brooklynn, J . R. Masterman, Philadelphia, PA
I hug my parents daily. The last time I hugged my parents was this morning before I went to school. That is a form of a goodbye, and an “I love you” all at the same time. A simple hug is also a form of “hello” or “goodbye” to not only my parents, but other family members as well. It shows how much I love them, and appreciate them for all they do. It makes me feel happy, loved, and appreciated. It makes me feel comforted, and safe knowing how much they love me.
The last time I hugged my parents was exactly yesterday. I needed a hug because I had a rough time at my friend’s birthday party and was called names by him. My parents’ hugs feel like a comforting squeeze, telling you it’s going to be alright and that they are there for you always and forever.
— Cole, J.R.Masterman, Philadelphia, PA
Students discussed whether it’s harder for fathers and sons to be physically affectionate.
Physical affection is an act of love that I am very familiar with. Growing up in a household with my grandparents and parents, some of my earliest memories are being embraced by my parents or getting bit by my grandma, out of love of course. I am lucky to have been raised in such a loving environment as it has raised me to be much more accepting of physical touch and similar means of showing love. I gave both my parents hugs yesterday night as soon as they got home, which has become an almost daily, unspoken tradition. I will often get called out when my parents or grandparents come home and I don’t go up and greet them.
That being said, I do find myself hugging my mom and grandma more than my dad or grandpa. This is not an intentional choice that I have made and I try to rectify it when I realize it is happening, but it nonetheless is a pattern that I have found. Esau McCaulley’s statement of boys growing up differently based on how their fathers express their love is one that I relate with and can attest to. Although I do not show my emotions too often, I have grown up to not be afraid of crying or feeling vulnerable. I also do not feel particularly violent often which I attribute to being raised in such a loving household.
I will say, I have noticed a change in how I feel about physical touch. Though I still value hugs, and the occasional kiss on the cheek, I find myself engaging in physical touch less and less, especially with my father. All the way up to age twelve I would often, if not everyday, hug, and get a kiss from both my parents every night. It was definitely a combination of me turning thirteen and knowing ‘teen’ was now part of my identity, as well as genuine realization that I was shifting from boyhood to young manhood. Ever since I turned 13, I’ve only side-hugged family, immediate and extended, and rarely men. I believe that my mind, voice, and body maturing, in conjunction with the males in my family’s lack of maternal instinct, there’s just a mutual, less will to hug each other as an expression of love. I more so exchange love with my dad, uncles, male cousins, etc., through talks of relationships, life, and future plans. Such emotional vulnerability can be just as intimate as, if not more intimate than, any hug.
— Sterling, From Fayetteville, NC, Cumberland Polytechnic High School
I also believe it is harder for men to express affection because of traditional stereotypes that have been applied to them that are hard to break, even today. Most men feel that they should not be weak or soft, and showing affection (such as hugging) can show that they are not strong. While this is most definitely not true, beliefs such as this have been instilled for generations and can be hard to break out of. Women have typically been seen as more nurturing and softer, so hugging and showing other affection is seen as a good thing.
— Sophie, Norwood High School, Norwood, MA
Finally, students gave advice to parents and teens who are struggling to connect.
I believe that if a teenager does not want to show physical affection, parents can improve their relationships with them by other means. Hugs are not the only way to be affectionate. A parent can have a meaningful conversation with their children, in which both parties listen to what the other has to say. As a result, parents can understand their child’s interests. Usually, parents overstep their child’s boundaries, either on purpose or by accident, degrading their relationship. However, with a proper conversation, boundaries can be set properly, and the reasons why they are in place can be discussed. This would be extremely beneficial to a parent-child relationship.
If parents want to have better conversations with their teens, I’d tell them to just listen more and stop trying to force a connection. Don’t make everything about lectures or advice. Sometimes we just want to talk without being judged. If teens asked me how to improve things with their parents, I’d say try being honest but also calm, even when it’s annoying. Not every talk has to turn into a fight.
I would suggest to parents who feel distant from their teenage children, try to be there for them, even if they seem like they don’t want it, they need it. All I’m trying to say is, show them that you are there from their ups and downs in life. I would say to teens who want advice about improving their relationship with their parents, try to be more open with your parents, make them feel like you want them in your life. True they can be frustrating from time to time, but they care so much about you, more than you will know.
— Cole, J.R.Masterman, Philadelphia, PA
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